Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Motherscratcher's First Box Break

Th five people that are going to read this will be rewarded with the historic first box break of Motherscratcher. I know, it's very exciting. Just try to remain calm. Really, you're going to be O.K. Imagine if I would have told you last night. None of you would have been able to sleep.

Let me set this up a bit. Up until a few weeks ago I hadn't thought about baseball cards much since I was a kid. This may be a bit of a midlife crisis or something. Who knows how long it will last. But, here I am, broadcasting my own blog over the world wide web for all to see. Crazy world. As far as midlife crisis's (?) go I suppose there are a lot worse. Just ask former governor Spitzer.

I just recently found out that opening a box of baseball cards is called a "box break". OK then. Too late I found out that there is some kind of requirement to film yourself doing this and broadcast it on youtube. Upon hearing this my initial reaction was "You've got to be fucking kidding me! What kind of asshole would do that? Who gives a shit?". Then I went to youtube and proceeded to waste two hours of my life watching people open card packs. I was transfixed. Thanks a lot Gellman. My favorite are the guys who open $150 packs of exquisite, or whatever the hell they cost. Imagine spending that much on 6 cards! They are pretty cool though. Maybe someday. I think if you are going to spend that much it deserves to be documented and broadcast. Just don't expect that type of bafoonery from me. While I don't think it's quite as silly as I thought a few days ago, I have trouble imagining a scenario in which I record myself "breaking boxs and showing my sweet pulls". I'm sure you're very disappointed.

On to my break. I broke a box of '92 Fleer Ultra. This set is significant in that it immediately followed the '91 Fleer Ultra and preceeded the '93 Fleer Ultra sets. There isn't much else that distinguises it. Players in this set include: Griffey, Bonds, Qwynn, Mattingly, Ryan, Ripkin, etc.. Good players all. The set also included some decidedly uninteresting inserts. All of the good players were included in series 1. That is kick ass because my box is of series 2. My trusty Beckett lets me know that there isn't a single card in all of series 2 that is worth listing. Good Times!

Why do I have a box of unopened series 2 '92 Fleer Ultra you ask? Well, it is the only entire box of cards I have ever owned. I was planning on using it to buy a car. Maybe not a Corvette, but better than a Fiero for sure. I'm paying close attention to see if I pull the Griffey Jr. All Star. According to Beckett it could snag me about 1/2 gallon of petrol for my Fiero. Fingers crossed!

Here come the sweet Mojo pulls (I have no idea what that means)!

You can do a lot worse than Wally Joyner. I'll tell you what. I used to love that guy. He was not spectacular but consistantly solid. Him and Will Clark don't get enough credit. Besides, he has an all time great baseball name. I mean how could a dude name Wally Joyner NOT end up in the bigs? I believe this in the same way that if you name your daughter Nikki you might as well start stocking up on thongs and pasties for her. She's going to need them.

Cory Freakin' Synder! Look at those glasses! Everything about this guy was awsome (except maybe his BA). Don't believe me? Look at who was on the cover the the 86 SI baseball preview. And I used to watch this guy make throws from right field before the games. Dude had a cannon.

Lee Stevens! Sweet Sassy Molassy! What's so interesting about Lee Stevens you ask? Good question. Well, as everyone here knows Lee was the conerstone of the Bartolo Colon trade that turned the Indians franchise around. For that I will always love him.

Oh yeah, that trade also included 3 other guys named Grady Sizemore, Cliff Lee, and Brandon Phillips. Whoever the hell they are.

Jim Abbott. Who didn't love this guy? I just have one question about his cardboard. Is there a card out there where you can see his stump? I've never seen one that I could recall. If you're Toops or Donruss isn't it imperative that you have some kind of insert set of Jim's stump? Really, who the hell wouldn't collect that? Talk about a missed opportunity.

Success!!! I knew it! I could feel it! Pull of the box! Now I just have to decide whether to put it on ebay and turn it into gasoline or try to trade it for a Brook Jacoby rookie. Decisions decisions. As an aside; look at that swing. Dude is awsome. If I ever make the bigs I hope my card look something like this.

On the other hand:

Poor Dickie Thon. First of all, the guy's name is Dickie Thon. Second of all, he's in a profession were everytime someone sees a card of his they are reminded that his name is Dickie Thon. Third of all, this might be the worst picture of the set. It's like the photographer had to be convinced that he wasn't the ballboy or something and just snapped off this picture so Dickie would leave him alone. "You want your picture taken? OK just stand there in short left and look at the third base dugout. If that's not good enough for you then piss off. I have better things to do."


Gregg Jefferies! Awsome! Hey wait a second while I go get my Gregg Jefferies rated rookies so I can throw them up on ebay. I already have my Fiero so I'm going to use this lot of 2,000 cards for the down payment on my mansion.

Alright men. Everyone here who isn't an overrated A-hole take a step forward.

Not so fast Sanders.

I just love Guzman's curl in this. Fantastic. Just let your soul glow Juan. I bet nobody remembers Juan's foray in action cinema. That's right. I'm pretty sure he was in Hard To Kill, or whatever the hell one it was where Segal fought the Jamaicans. If I wasn't so lazy I'd find a picture for you.

Kirby seems like a good one to end it on. Over all I like the cards. The base cards are simple but nice. Most of the shots are pretty good. The all stars are kind of cool looking with their marble borders. I guess it could have been worse. I had a good time anyway.

Let me know what you think. And, check back later as I document the greatest box break of all time. This thing was a greek fuckin' tragedy. It's not to be missed.

No comments: