Thursday, February 12, 2009

Blog Bat-Around 4: The Craigslist Idiot

For the forth Blog Bat-Around we’ve been asked by our lovely hosts, Patricia and Lucy at Dinged Corners (two of my favorite Blog People), to predict what will be valuable in 10 years. The stupidity that follows is my lame attempt.

There are a few approaches that I can take in answering this and I’ll go through them one by one.

1. The Vintage Card approach.

I can boldly throw up some scan of vintage cards and confidently predict that they will be valuable in 10 years. Then feel really good about myself for my keen insight into the hobby, the history of baseball, and life in general.

It would go something like this: “That’s right everyone, I’m here to tell you that in 2019 a 1952 Topps Mickey Mantle will be extremely valuable. You heard it here first. But that’s not all. Also, the shrewd collector should consider rookie cards of players such as Nolan Ryan, Rickey Henderson, Willy Mays, and Tony Bernazard. Mark my words and stock up on these cards because (you may not realize this) they were thought of as great players and their cards will be worth a lot of money someday. No need to thank me, I just love the hobby.”

This is very tempting.

2. The Rookie Auto of Players Who Have Already Panned Out approach.

“O.K. everyone! Listen Up! If you want to have valuable cards in 10 years you should consider hanging on to those 2001 Bowman Chrome Albert Pujols autos. He’s a heck of a player and his cards should be worth something eventually. Another card to keep your eye on is that 2002 Bowman Gold refractor auto of Joe Mauer. That kid shows some real upside. You heard it here first. No need to thank me, I just love the hobby.”

This would take too much research as I have no idea what an actual rookie card is anymore.

3. The Cards That Are Valuable Only To Me For Some Strange Reason approach.

“ You can keep your fancy shmancy autographed cards and cards with fancy little doodads on them. Back in my day we only had base cards. AND THAT’S THE WAY WE LIKED IT! We were just excited to get the cards of our favorite players and traded the rest or put them in our spokes. You can keep your shiny doohickeys. I’ll take my autographed 1981 donruss Joe Charboneau rookie card, or my Team USA Cory Snyder card, or even my Phoenix Firebirds Ernie Camacho over all of those new fangled pieces of junk. My cards are VALUABLE TO ME! And they’ll still be valuable in 10 years dang nabbit! No need to thank me, I just love the hobby."

This is also sometimes called the Grumpy Old Fogy approach. I’d use this but I already played that card in Blog Bat-Around #2 with my Score Eric Davis card.

4. The Super-Rare Piece Of A Historical Figure approach.

You know, like that piece of hair that Mario pulled. These always seem to have demand and go for a lot of money on EBay, and I don’t think I’d be going out on a limb to think that they will continue to be sought after in 10 years. It would go something like this:

“What will be valuable in 10 years? I’ll tell you what will be valuable in 10 years. Pieces of people, that’s what. Get your money out of Berkshire Hathaway. President Pitt and Vice President Clooney have us headed toward another recession anyway. The smart money is in Biological Used Memorabilia. Invest in things like the Richard Nixon Vas Deferens card in the Upper Deck Pieces of game used Reproductive Organ set. Or the 2013 Nancy Reagan 1/1 Slice of Areola card from Topps First Lady Thanks For The Mammaries set in Heritage. Look for the refractor! No need to thank me, I just love the hobby."

Ridiculous! You say? Maybe, but do you think if Brian Gray from Razor thought he could pull this off he would hesitate for even a second? I don’t.

I’ll skip this approach due to the graphic nature of any in depth discussion of the possibilities of cards like this.

That leaves only one other approach that I can think of.

5. The Playing It Straight approach.

This involves simply picking a few young prospects and seeing if any turn out to be the next Sizemore, Pujols, or Longoria.

Even though it goes against my nature, I’ll try to take this approach and list a few youngsters on which to stake my reputation. The main upside is I don’t have much of a reputation to stake.

Instead of just listing a few players here, I’m going to try to keep it a little more interesting and incorporate (rip off) what has quickly become my favorite blog “running feature”, the Craigslist Idiots from Bad Wax. Whenever I see it on my blog roll I get as excited as I get when I’m watching SNL and there’s a new episode of the Vinny Vedecci skit where Bill Hader interviews celebrities in Italian. It’s a feakin’ laugh riot.

In the Craigslist Idiots feature, Chemgod from Bad Wax picks ridiculous auctions and then, using only his wits as a weapon, continually beats the poor, stupid seller about the brain with common sense and logic. It really is a fantastic new feature.

So, I will make my own fake Craigslist feature as if I was selling my collection in 2019. In this ridiculous exercise I will be playing both the role of Craigslist Idiot (CI) and Chemgod (Me). If I had more time I would probably see if the mighty Chemgod himself would be willing to participate in this stupidity. Unfortunately, it’s already Thursday evening and I don’t have the time. Let’s see how my auction turns out and if I have, in fact, acquired the rookies and other cards that will be valuable in 10 years.

This is only an exhibition. Please, no wagering.

Craigslist Idiots – 2/14/19This one has to be a setup. Nobody could be this stupid and still be alive.

My Entire Baseball Card Collection - $147,000 OBO
Listing is for my entire collection of baseball cards. There are over 20,000+ cards in mint condition. I used to collect cards and this collection has been stored underneath my trailer in vacuum sealed shoeboxes for 10 years. The cards are of a plethora of brands from the years 1965-2011 with most being vintage cards from the late 1980’s. I stopped collecting in 2011 when Beckett went bankrupt.

Everything must go right now in one collection. I don’t have time to split anything up. My ex wife and her new husband (some cheese loving drunk named Dubbs) promised my son Grady the new Parks Bonifay Aqua Jet-Pak with the Kung Fu Handlebars and now they expect me to pay for half of it. Well, my bad luck just became your good fortune because now you can get the best card collection ever made available on Craigslist at a fraction of its considerable market value.

I’ve been offered well over $1 million in the past for this collection. Before Beckett went bankrupt I had all of my cards listed there and the value in 2010 was $1,267,528.63. It stands to reason that it would be worth much more now.

I can’t remember the cards but I know it includes stars, rookies, autos, and reprints of some old cards. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. If I wasn’t in this position with my ex I wouldn’t even consider selling at this ridiculously low price. I don’t know what they are worth now, but I know it’s a lot.

Serious bidders only please.

My first take: This guy is a complete moron. His Craigslist handle is “ModestlyPricedReceptacles” and his avatar is a bowling pin so you know he has no clue. He says the range goes back to 1965 but you know that it’s mostly garbage from 1988 and 1989 Topps, Fleer, and Score etc. Then he talks about how he priced them 10 years ago on Beckett. This dummy still thinks that Beckett had a clue even though they went bankrupt. HEY EINSTEIN THERE’S A REASON BECKETT WENT UNDER! So he puts all of these cards into his database and comes up with a ridiculous price. Then he expects someone to pay for this “great deal” because he’s willing to part with it for less than Beckett said it was worth. This buckethead even admits he doesn't know what they're worth. I’m not sure it’s worth my time messing with this dunce but I just can’t resist.

Watch me lowball him with what his cards are really worth and have his eyes bug out and his head explode.

The emails:
Me: Is that collection still available?

CI: Yes. You better hurry because I’ve gotten some tempting offers and my wife is breathing down my neck. When would be a good time to swing by and take a look?

Me: Well, there wasn’t really any info on what kind of cards are available. I don’t want to drive 37 hours round trip unless it’s worth my while. Could you tell me some of what you have? (The moron thinks I’m going to come over when even HE doesn’t know what he has or what it’s worth.)

CI: I haven’t really looked at what I have in a long time. I suppose if you want to be a jerk about it I could give you a list of some of the cards. Trust me, they’re totally awesome.

Me: I’m not trying to be a jerk, I just was hoping you could tell me what some of your favorites are. (I AM trying to be a jerk. This guy obviously deserves it)

CI: My favorites!? That’s like asking me to pick between my favorite American Idol Season 12 contestants! I have cards of Canseco, Bonds, A-Rod, Brett, Thomas, Puholes, Charboneau, Bernazard, Camacho…all the greats.

Me: Well, that doesn’t necessarily mean that the cards are valuable. Sure, Ernie Camacho is an all-time great player, but his cards for some reason, aren’t valuable enough to justify that price. (I’m not kidding. Ernie is great. His cards are worthless though)

CI: Who the hell do you think you are? How would you know the value? Trust me. I know what I’m talking about. I have some rookies too. When do you want to come out and see them?

Me: What rookies do you have from about 8-10 years ago. I need players and brands to get a good idea what they’re worth. I know you were hoping for offers in the $100,000 range. The best I can do without hearing the rookies is $53. What do you say? (This guy's still trying to get me to come out. Where do these people come from? Oh yeah, Cleveland.)

CI: $53 ?!?!?!?!?!?! You are obviously an idiot. These cards are worth a fortune. If you had any idea what you’re talking about then you’d agree after this list of Bowman Chrome and Razor rookie cards. I’m not sure of the players (I haven’t watched baseball since the A-Rod scandal) but I’m sure any knowledgeable collector would know that these are worth a fortune.

Brett Wallace – Cardinals – 3B
Lonnie Chisenhall – Indians – SS/3B
Carlos Guttierrez – Astros – P
Carlos Santana – Indians – C
Brian Pellegrini – Astros – DH
Lars Anderson – Red Sox – 1B
Dexter Fowler – Rockies – CF

All of these are autographed rookie cards

Me: I have to admit that is a very impressive, Santana and Chisenhall alone have guided the Tribe to multiple World Series championships. Still, that price seems high considering the junk from the 80’s is worthless. I’ll offer you $83,000 considering those incredible rookie cards. A good way to figure out how much you collection is worth is to watch this video: (Can you believe this guy’s still trying to sell to me after that offer? I am surprised by the rookie list. Those are great cards. Obviously not worth what this guy thinks)

CI: You’re an ignorant A-Hole. The post clearly says for serious bidders only. If you were just going to waste my time why did you bother me in the first place? I hope you rot in hell jerk. Your mother was a hamster, and you father smelled of elderberries.

End of Emails

My Final Take: He really threw me for a loop with that incredible list of rookie autos. Most were probably from Razor. For those that can’t remember, Razor is the company that tried making baseball cards for a few years before giving up and then making a fortune in Porn Star trading cards. They had those redemptions where instead of sending out the card, the actual porn star would come out to your house for a conjugal visit. The first one was Jennifer Love Hewitt. His collection might be worth something but not nearly as much as he thinks. The guy is beyond hopeless.

So, there you have it. I’m staking my reputation on the rookie cards and autos of those 7 youngsters. (Did you see how I cleverly slipped in my prediction in the middle of all that idiocy? Pretty sneaky huh? And, you thought I wouldn't answer the actual Blog Bat-Around Question.) We’ll see where they are in 10 years. I know where I’ll be.

I’ll be at the Burro Alley. Margaritas and enchiladas on me. Hope to see you there.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the shout out man. I plan to continue to set up and shoot down these marks one at a time.

CI's you gotta love em.