Saturday, January 9, 2010

Going Costanza (mostly)

Oh Captain My Captain is having a contest or something. The rules are pretty vague and hard to follow. It's something to do with football, picking the winner to the playoffs or something. Since he pretty much called me out I had to oblige and answer.

I pretty much made a fool of myself in Canuck's Fantasy League this year. I came in dead last, which was the worst thing that could have happened. The second worst thing would have been to have Beardy win, and he damn near did. That's the kind of stuff that happens to you when you draft Ladainian Tomlinson in the first round. I can't even remember who I took in the second but I'm sure he sucked too.

So the plan was to really show Canuck and the rest of them. I was going to research the hell out of it and really come up with a fool proof prediction for the playoffs. El Capitan definitely gave everyone enough time.

The problem is I never did it. I remembered this morning (at work) that I hadn't made my picks yet. I knew the games started at 4 but I didn't even know who played in the first game. I gave some guy with a toothache 3.4 cc 2% lido with epi and ran to the computer (I'm trying to impress everyone with my doctor talk) to make my pick.

It was right then that I settled on a fool proof plan. I was going to go Costanza. If my every football instinct is wrong, then the opposite would be right. I felt very strongly that the Jets would win so I put in my pick...Bengals FTW!

I didn't have enough time to make the rest of my picks right then so I promised to pick them as soon as I got home from work. I ran back to the op, put my foot on the guys chest, and started cranking with everything I had... invigorated with my foolproof plan for glory.

As soon as I got home, right at the scheduled start time, I ran in the house and booted my lovely wife from the computer. I noticed that Canuck had closed the contest but had left a spot open just for me. (Those Canadians are so nice) He's seen me in action and probably figured that it wouldn't make any difference either way if he still let me pick. I can't say I blame him. I really crapped the bed in that league.

But he didn't count on me going Costanza.

What I did was just pick every team that I thought would lose. This was very hard in a lot of cases as, like most American men, I figure I know more about football than just about anyone on the planet.

There are 2 picks where I just couldn't do it. The second round AFC picks. As a Cleveland man I have no stakes in the playoffs. So, naturally, I'll pretty much pull for whoever I pick here. Without the Yinzers in the playoffs I had only 2 teams to worry about. Baltimore and Cincy. I hate them both.

I don't think either of them will win in the first round, but I forced myself to pick them anyway. I just couldn't do it in the second round. If they are still playing in the second round I couldn't bring myself to root for them. Wouldn't it be a hell of a thing if that was my undoing?

All of my other picks were Costanza picks.

You laugh, but I've definitely had worse idea's than this one.

Philly over Dallas
Arizona over Green Bay

Philly over New Orleans
Arizona over Minny

Philly over Arizona

Cincy over NY
Baltimore over New England

San Diego over Baltimore
Indy over Cincy

San Diego over Indy

Super Bowl:
San Diego over Philly

Total pts: 51

For the record, my picks were in before the start of the first game.


Yeah, I'm pretty sure that after two games I've been mathematically eliminated. Thanks a lot George.

Don't worry about me. I'm in Cleveland. We're used to this kind of stuff.


beardy said...

well.... you're 0 for 1.

dayf said...


The day after I watched Lebowski too... why don't you just kidnap yourself and play some Eagles to rub it in deeper.

Hackenbush said...

Love seeing Costanza in any post. Unfortunately your first two picks were the same as mine.

IPSWITCH: Ms. Benes the hat you charged to the company was Sable, this is Nutria.

ELAINE: w-w- Well, that's a -ah, it’s kind of Sable.

IPSWITCH: No, its a kind of rat.

ELAINE: That's a rat hat?

IPSWITCH: And a poorly made one, even by rat hat standards.

beardy said...

looks like you'll be perfect after 2.

word verification: dexpert

as in "zat is vy zey send me I am dexpert"

Matt Runyon said...

I can't bring myself to pick the Ravens, Bengals, or Cowboys in any contest. I'd rather lose the contest than pick any of those three teams.

Motherscratcher said...

Yeah, this isn't turning out too well for me.

Beardy, I laughed for a solid minute before I could respond here.

(Nice job by you too Hackenbush)

Captain Canuck said...

I knew you were up to something when I saw you pick Philly.

Who picks that big of an underdog?

M.S., that's who.